Do you ever have that moment when things are going along fine and then suddenly you just realize that you have umpteen million things to do (or well, it feel like that anyway) and no way like enough time to do them and not one of those things can go undone? And the things you were looking forward to with this sort of pleasant expectation take on the specter of doom?
Weddings are like that. They are so darn stressful, no matter how organized you intend to be, no matter how you tell your kids it’s on them. It just never really is *all* on them. You’re the mom and if you’re like me, you can’t help yourself organizing and planning and taking over what doesn’t get done. It just works that way. Then, there’s the whole prospect of another big social event which hey, I’ve been doing great for months, but those months have been summer and there’s just no way to explain to anyone who doesn’t understand the loss of sunshine just how impacting that really is. Even my therapist is like, but you like the rain, what’s the problem?
Yes, I like the rain. I like gloomy days even. What I don’t like is how they m ake me feel, or how my brain gets wonky. I don’t like how my memory gets worse and worse the shorter the days are, or how hard it is to tap into my creativity. I just started writing again. This is terrifying for me. Thank you very much. I don’t like that just today I couldn’t remember the name of a bookstore I go to all the time, I don’t like that it took me an hour of mulling in the bathtub before I could figure out what scene to write next in my book because I was just plain stymied. I didn’t used to get stymied. I had ten different directions to take and my problem was reining it in to one of them.
Due dates have been causing me irrational and untold anxiety for the past few years. I have a plethora of them in the next three weeks. I don’t like them. They are stressing me out. There I said it. There is so much I have to do and it has to be done by this date or that date and it’s all so, so, so important.
And do you know what? I’m going to be okay? I’ll not only survive the next three weeks, I’m going to have amazing moments of joy and clarity and peace. Do you know why? Because I’m not hiding anymore, so there’s room for that too. Because I’m not pretending to be okay, I have room to get better. And if some people think I’m weak. That’s okay. If some people don’t like me. That’s okay too. But what’s really great? Some really neat people they get me. Some really awesome people get my books. And some of those people are even related to me.
Life really is that grand adventure my mom told me it was! Adventure never came without pain, risk or sacrifice, but the rewards are all the greater for it.
Love and blessings this week to you all!